So far so good

Well, the lawyer meeting went amazingly well. Mark and I both really liked him. He answered all our questions and really put our minds at ease. I spoke with the husband last night and he seemed satisfied with all the lawyers answers. Basically we just get through the pregnancy and when the baby is born the lawyer sets things in motion. We can help out with direct pregnancy related expenses such as maternity clothes, doctor copays, vitamins, etc. A girl my sister works with brought a diaper bag full of baby stuff yesterday for me. It was so sweet, I cried. Our very first baby gift!
I've also started seriously looking into cloth diapers, it's overwhelming how many different options are out there. I need someone to help guide me through this. Any suggestions would be great.

Amazing how something so small can consume your whole life

I've spoken with the mom a couple of times since our initial meeting last week, and I've spoken with her husband as well. They are such nice people and they seem committed to this adoption. We meet with a lawyer first thing in the morning. I've got a long list of questions and I hope I can get everything I need answered in the short 30 minutes we have with him. I really hope his fees are reasonable. Expectant mom is soon to be in need of some maternity clothes and I don't know if I can help her get some or not, WV law isn't real clear about EXACTLY what the adoptive parents can and can't pay for. I've contacted 2 places about the home study, one wants a flat fee of $3,000, the other has the services broken down into a price list but total comes to a little over $2,100. People also keep telling me that a lot of social workers do home studies on the side as extra income, and I would be fine with that if I could just find someone to do it. I know it sounds like I'm only worried about the money but really that's not it. Each day is a roller coaster of emotions and right now my mind has just settled on money.
I bought 2 little outfits the other day and a stuffed giraffe that plays music. My head is telling me not to buy yet but my heart couldn't resist. I wonder if these emotions are similar to what it feels like when a woman finds out she's pregnant? I'm just filled with love, excitement, worry, and every other emotion all rolled into one. I want to tell everyone I see that I'm going to be a mom. I can't keep from thinking about it, yet I hate to aggravate everyone by talking about it nonstop. I can't focus on anything else. It really is amazing how this teensy tiny little baby consumes my every thought!

Adoption

We met with an expectant mother yesterday who is looking to place her baby for adoption. Near the end of the 1.5 hour meeting she said she wants us to raise her baby. I'm elated!! She has other small children and had healthy pregnancies each time. Rough estimated due date is late Feb/early March. She will be going to the doctor later in the week. This all feels so surreal. I don't know whether to worry, get excited, buy baby clothes, or what to do. Last night after I came home and shared the news with our family and friends I got in bed and wept. I'm so so so very happy. A baby, I'm going to be bringing a baby home early 2010. This all feels so right.
I am very aware that there could be setbacks, complications, or this could all slip away, but for now I'm optimistic. I'm excited!!!

I think I'm ready to get off the ride

I've been trying to make a decision about whether to continue seeing my RE. I just got my last refill of Metformin so I need to either call and make an appointment with him or call and let them know I'm stopping treatment/going on break. Each cycle of treatment I'm pretty grouchy, I gain a couple pounds because I'm an emotional eater, we spend more money we don't really have, and in the end it fails anyway. It's taken over 5 long years but I'm finally ready to just be a mom--one way or another. During our time trying to get pregnant I've dreamed of being pregnant, a baby shower, giving birth, breastfeeding, etc, now none of that matters--as much--and I'm just ready to be a mom, whether or not the child is biologically mine.
But either way I need to figure out about my metformin, I don't know if I need to keep taking it even if we stop TTC or should I go on birth control? I found a new OB/Gyn closer to home so I saw him last month for my pap smear and he was a total jackass! I tried to ask about stopping TTC and the met and he said "make another appt if you want to discuss that" I think it was just one of those times where we just clashed. I'll look for another ob/gyn for next years pap.
In other news, things are good. Mark is working a lot which makes for great paychecks. We had a big Fourth of July party with lots of friends and family, a little rain but great overall. We are both wanting to take a vacation in Sept but can't decided where to go or what to do..suggestions?

The Flu

Last Thursday evening I went to Zumba, came home, fixed dinner, watched Grey's Anatomy---Izzy and Alex got MARRIED!!! YAY!! I went to bed at 10PM. I thought it was awful cold in here but Mark was comfortable. Within 30minutes I was shaking uncontrollably, had 3 blankets piled on me, hmm...might be running a fever, yep 103. Take Tylenol, nothing. 2 hours later take Ibuprofen, nothing. I have to get up the next morning at 7am with absolutely no sleep, still running a fever. Daycare kids get here, give 'em cereal, can't hardly move or function anymore so I called the doc. After a long Dr's appt I find out I have the flu, type A. So after 2 nasal swabs I'm sent home with instructions to stay home, no visitors at all, for 7 days. They also sent a nasal swab to the state lab to check for h1n1, haven't heard anything so I guess it was negative. Today I'm finally feeling like I'm back on Earth again. I"m telling ya, it was a miserable week, I WILL get a flu shot this year. I've got a lingering cough and still get fatigued easily but everything I read online says that's pretty normal.

Now, I'm playing catch up with the house work, Mark doesn't do anything when I'm sick, so today I'd finally had enough and we argued. Now he's in bed, I"m doing laundry. Guess that wasn't a really productive argument then, huh? Hope everyone out there in blog land is feeling good and flu-free!!

Zumba! Zumba!

I just got home from my very first Zumba class! Actually it was my very first exercise class of any kind. Surprisingly, I liked it. But I must confess, I'm so uncoordinated. I was always a move behind the instructor or I could get my feet to match hers and my hands would be doing their own thing. Oh well, the important thing is to keep moving, right? In early April I decided enough was enough and I was ready to drop a few pounds. I set a mini-goal of being down 15lbs by Marks and my 5th wedding anniversary, May 29th. So far down 9.5. So I've got a little more than 3 weeks to drop five and a half more pounds. I hope Zumba does the trick. My close friend, Vanessa, and I have been walking each evening and tonight we bit the bullet and zumbaed-or is it zummed, zumba'd--anyway, I'd like to make it a regular part of my exercise routine.

Down, but what do you expect at 4 in the morning

It's 4:15AM and here I sit. I can't sleep. I'm feeling totally out of control in the TTC realm. No meds, other than metformin, no temps, no charts, no period, no opks. Nothing. I'm going to try to drop a few pounds then go back to my RE, but in the meantime I feel like I"m not doing anything to reach my goal of being a mom. M's working nights lately so it's thrown off my sleeping schedule. I stumbled across an infertility blog and was reading entries from 07 and 08, I'm relating to a lot of what this woman is going through, then I go to the most recent post--pics of her twin newborns. I know that this should give me hope, but I guess I'm a terrible person, because hope is not where my mind went. God, when is it going to be my turn? Ever?
If I just knew one way or the other--keep trying one day it will happen, or let it go you're barren for life--then I really think I could deal with all this. I'm in one of those funks where everyone around me seems to be having babies, adopting babies, etc, etc, and my life is at a stand-still.
Sorry this is such a downer post.